By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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