I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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