he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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