so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
