So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
