i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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