What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
