she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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