the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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