Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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