The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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