my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
