My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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