How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
