We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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