Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
