i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
