meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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