genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
