he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
