Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
