so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
