If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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