My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
