dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Ketchup is God's man juice
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
