kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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