if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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