Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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