oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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