A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
