Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
sarcasm needs its own font
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
