oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's never too late to be topless.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
