Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend