I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
