so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
