I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
