I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
