I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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