Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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