ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
