My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
