Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
