Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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