I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
