Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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