You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
