Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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