He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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