we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
