I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
