I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
