i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
