I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
