I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
