mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
