Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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