i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
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My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
how does that bad decision feel?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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