I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
