Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
