Swine flu is the new snow day.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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