Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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