you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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