It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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