Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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